Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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