I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
