If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
