last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
