I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
