The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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