its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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