I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
