you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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