she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize