i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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