it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
