theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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