so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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