Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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