My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
