You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
