Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish you could order shots online.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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