I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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