so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
