I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
