if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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