He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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