All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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