i already hear my dad disowning me
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
