I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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