All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Vodka?
Forever.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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