Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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