so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
