this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
