I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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