i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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