how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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