Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
