I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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