I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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