Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
