How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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