I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
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