he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
