Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
