I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
