Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
