when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
