Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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