then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
