oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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