Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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