i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
