my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
