when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
