Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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