Ambien. No doubt about it.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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