Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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