I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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