here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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