Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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