the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
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