a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That accounts for only three of the penises
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
