Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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