So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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