I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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