You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
