I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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