So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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